


Help I'm Alive

by LikeAHuss



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fushimi's POV, Head Injury, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Post-Canon, SaruMi - Freeform, Slow Burn, but not really
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-18
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2018-08-09 12:35:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7802065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikeAHuss/pseuds/LikeAHuss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Following the destruction of the slates things really start to slow down for the red and blue clansman, allowing Fushimi and Yata to begin rekindling their friendship... and maybe something more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Tremble

“Hey, Saru! Over here!” Misaki flagged him down from across the street.

They had been hanging out together for awhile now since the slates had been destroyed. Misaki Yata and Saruhiko Fushimi, taking on life together again. Things were very different from their previous friendship though. Misaka still spent a lot of time hanging out at Homora and doing odd jobs while Fushimi retained his position in SEPTAR 4.

Fushimi clicked his tongue and checked the traffic before crossing the street. Misaki greeted him with a grin, his skateboard tucked under one arm. “You ready?”

“For what, exactly?” Fushimi questioned in his typical, uninterested manner while adjusting his glasses with one hand.

Misaki let out an exasperated sigh, “I told you I had a surprise right?”

“Despite my hatred of them, yes.”

“Well this one is good,” the red haired boy assured as he started to walk away. When he had made it two steps and noticed Fushimi had still not moved he half turned and grabbed Fushimi’s hand, tugging him forward, “Try to keep up, stupid monkey.”

This was a new thing. Misaki leading him around that is. Before he would have just stamped his feet until Fushimi moved himself. But now… Misaki’s warm hand wrapped around his cool fingers, sending a jolt through his entire body. He had done it a few times now, and every time Fushimi felt the electricity course through him. 

Fushimi clicked his tongue again and snatched his hand back, not because he disliked the way Misaki's hand felt in his, but because of the stares they received walking down the street like that. Something about it made Fushimi feel uncharacteristically self-conscious. Fushimi quickly shook it off and fell back into pace beside the shorter boy with a look of annoyance painted on his face. He reflected on this new development, trying to figure out when Misaki had become comfortable enough to touch him again. It was always the shorter boy that reached out to him. To speak with him, to see him, to touch him. It made Saruhiko feel… warm.

Like a soothing warmth spread from his chest and throughout his body. It was nice, but at the same time it made him feel guilty. Like he still didn't deserve to feel that way. 

“I hope your okay with take-out,” Misaki was saying to his right, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

“It’s fine,” Fushimi acknowledged, surprised to see a light flush of red on Yata's face when he glanced over. Could he have also noticed the stares as they passed by?

“Good! I was going to wait until we got back to my place to reveal the surprise, but it doesn’t really matter.”

“Impatient as always, Misaki,” Saru drawled, the corner of his lips tipping up into a smirk.

“Sh-Shut up!” He stuttered, a full flush forming on his cheeks, “I borrowed the Portal series from one of the guys since you had said you never played it. I thought we could play it together.”

“You mean I’m going to end up solving all the puzzles while you mess around?” Fushimi clucked, “Was I supposed to be happy about this surprise?”

“Well if you’re going to be a jerk about it then you can forget it!” Yata grouched, the annoyance rising in his voice, “Sorry, for trying to do something nice.”

Misaki made a show of stomping ahead like a petulant child, his brow furrowing into an annoyed pout. He seemed very emotional lately. Or maybe that was just always Misaki's ways, bearing his emotion for the world to see. 

Fushimi let Misaki simmer in his anger for a few more second before relenting, letting out a short sigh. “Well, I’d be almost as stupid as you to pass up free food and a game.” He managed to keep his voice neutral, but he had to look down to hide the boarding on fond smile.

This was another thing that was new. Fushimi found that he smiled a lot more around Misaki. He found that his usual insults lacked their edge. He always felt like he could relax around Misaki even after all this time. He was becoming soft, and he didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

“What kind of ‘thank you’ is that?! And who are you calling stupid?” The other boy returned, but a wide grin spread across his face as he turned around to face Fushimi. 

His smile was like the sun, bright and full of energy, and Fushimi couldn't help but crack an amused smile in return. 

 

* * *

 

 

Fushimi found that he had pretty much called how this night was going to play out. Misaki and him had filled their plates with take-out, Fushimi's plate consisting mostly of meat, and sat down in front of the television to eat while playing the second game of the series together.

Playing the game turned into the taller boy directing the other around while solving the puzzles. Yata spent most of the night complaining it was too hard, and Fushimi was being too mean. Despite this, Fushimi found that he was enjoying himself thoroughly.

“Bah! I give up!” Misaki exclaimed after they had been stuck on a level for more than five minutes, “If you don’t get it then there’s no way we’re gonna beat it.”

"That kind of spirit is why you always lose," Fushimi quipped absently. 

Fushimi was still busy examining the level, he was about to make another remark when the red-head dropped his controller and fell against his side, knocking them both over on the floor. Fushimi hissed at the contact his head made with the floor in both annoyance and pain. Misaki had landed on top of him, his head resting on the lankier boy’s collar bone, his torso trapped Fushimi’s arms and the controller between them.

After the initial shock, Saru was stunned by the warmth radiating off of Misaki and into his cold limbs. It felt like a heated blanket had swallowed him up. The soft tufts of red hair tickled his exposed collar bone, sending shivers down his spine. When Misaki floundered and pushed himself up he hovered over Fushimi, his face completely red. It was… cute.

“S-sorry!” he stuttered out, “You weren’t supposed to fall over, are you okay?”

Fushimi found himself lost for words, but quickly composed himself. Offering a glare and a tsk, “What did you expect, tackling me like that?” He grumbled, letting go of the controller and moving his freed arms to his side to prop himself up on his elbows.

Misaki hadn’t moved yet, though, which meant their faces were brought within a few inches. So close that Fushimi could feel the warmth of Misaki’s responding huff against his lips. He could see the way the boys’ golden eyes flickered between concern and annoyance with him. For a moment he just stared at the other boy, letting his eyes drink in the details of his friend’s face, how the flush deepened the longer he stared.

“W-what?” The boy tried, his voice cracking, “Stop looking at me like that.”

“Well are you gonna move or not?”

“O-oh! Right,” the other boy reeled back, almost causing another disaster. This earned him a sigh from Fushimi as he straightened up fully.

“It’s getting late,” Fushimi stated, keeping a very calm facade.

Inside he felt his heart beating rapidly. He was worried if he stayed any longer he wouldn't be able to control himself. 

“You should probably get going, huh?” Misaki covered, rubbing the back of his neck while conveniently avoiding eye contact. 

“I have to work. Unlike some people,” He jeered, establishing some sense of normality. It seemed to work, because Misaki scoffed in response and smiled.

“Whatever, stupid monkey.”

As soon as Fushimi was out the door he cracked, his hands trembling and mind racing. The whole way home he couldn’t get the picture out of his head. The way Misaki’s eyes had practically glowed; How his breath had teased his lips.

This was the thing. Saruhiko Fushimi had always felt something more for Misaki than he ever cared to admit. And lately, with the new friendship, it was getting harder and harder to ignore it. Especially when Misaki did things like this. When he went out of his way to prove to Saru that he matters, and that he wouldn’t be left behind again.

Fushimi hated to be vulnerable. He hated feeling this way. Like he was drowning in the emotions every time he left, but wished he could stay. He hated that he could never tell Misaki any of it.


	2. They're Gonna Eat Me Alive

Work usually supplied Fushimi with a steady distraction from his thoughts of Misaki. It helped him avoid thinking about how he actual felt… Usually. However, today was not a usual day.

Fushimi had been assigned to patrol the streets that day. Rumours of some low level strains causing trouble in the area had caught the SEPTAR’s attention and called for a bit of surveillance. Since there had been no sign for almost half the work day Fushimi’s mind started to drift back to thoughts of last night. A very dangerous territory. 

Misaki had been so warm. He was always so hot blooded, and hot headed, but everywhere they touched it caused his skin to burn. The type of slow burn that warmed his entire body and sent his heart into overdrive. 

Why hadn’t he noticed before how bright Misaki’s eyes were? They were glowing. They were always filled with emotion, unlike his own. How could someone live their life so open and impulsive? Fushimi would never understand that. He could never live with his heart on his sleeve.

Fushimi let out a sharp sigh, shaking his head as if to dispel the thoughts as he turned into the next alley. This was all pointless day dreams in the end. What was the point in wearing his heart on his sleeve just to have it turned down? There was no way Misaki would think of him like  _that_. Being friends again was one thing, but being anything more? Impossible.

The thought made his heart ache. He had abandoned him, after all. Misaki could never trust him to make a commitment after he cut out on Homera, cut out on them. But back then it had been to painful to stay, not that the idiot would ever understand.

Maybe this was okay. Maybe it was alright to enjoy the burning touches and the brief jolts of electricity Misaki sent through his veins every time they connected. It warmed his cool body inside and out, even if just for a short amount of time. It felt easier to breath when Misaki was around. It was worth it, to drown and suffer on his own, as long as he got that time together.

As he finished the thought he realized he had walked himself right into a dead end in the alleyway. He huffed at himself in annoyance for being so careless and started to turn to head back. He never got that far.

“Idiot, you hit him too hard.”

“Eh, who cares,” A boot made sharp contact with Fushimi’s ribs as he started to regain consciousness, making him sputter. “See? He only passed out for a little bit.”

Passed out? More like he was knocked out. Violently knocked out for that matter. The side of his head was throbbing. 

Fushimi opened his eyes, blinking away the haze to try and focus on the scene before him. There were people in front of him, at least two pairs of shoes from what he could see before someone grabbed his collar and dragged him up into a kneeling position.The sudden movement made his head spin, the world around him fading in and out of focus. A sharp pain on the right side of his head throbbed, his neck felt wet. He had been careless. He had been stupid. He had been moping on the job. Man, was he pissed.

“Whoa, watch out!”

Fushimi’s aura flared up, and with slightly delayed reflexes he sliced through the hand gripping his collar with a throwing knife before flinging it at the neared blurry figure. This was probably not a fight he could win. He could barely stand once he was released, and everything was still out of focus no matter how many times her tried to blink it away.

He wanted to vomit. His head was pounding. It was killing him. He was going to die.

“Fuck this,” a voiced growled, and Fushimi slashed at the figure that attempted to approach him. He must have caused some damage, because the man hissed and retreated.

“Tell your comrades we’ll be back,” a voice spat, “and it won’t be just two of us next time.”

Fushimi put on his best scowl and watched the hazy figures retreat. As soon as they were gone he let his aura die, and with it his energy. He collapsed back onto the street. It was guaranteed that he had a concussion, that much was for sure. He was pretty sure part of his blurred vision was due to the fact that his glasses had been knocked off with the force of the blow. 

With his last bit of sense, he sent an emergency signal to the SEPTAR, and tried to stay awake until someone came to get him. He secretly wished Misaki could be the one to come to his rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect updates like once a week? We'll see how that goes XD


	3. If I Stumble

Apparently he was lucky to have only suffered a concussion and no permanent brain damage from the attack. He didn’t really feel lucky. His head felt like someone had hit him with a bat. Oh wait…They had patched him up and kept him for observation. Fushimi barley remembered the first few hours as he flitted in and out of consciousness both do to the head injury and the medication they put him on.

He is jolted out of sleep by a warm hand shaking his shoulder. It takes him a moment to remember what happened and where he is before Misaki’s face swims into view. A deep pang in his chest makes him gasp. It feels like the wind was knocked out of him and his eyes sting with hot tears.

“-hiko. Saruhiko, are you okay?”

Fushimi forces his eyes open again as Misaki’s worried voice breaks through his momentary haze of pain. Misaki was leaning over him, clearly worried. Sparking another dull pang in Fushimi’s chest.

“Y-yeah,” he croaks hesitantly, testing his voice. His throat feels dry and he’s pretty sure the medication has given him a bit of cotton mouth.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to- I mean I didn’t- I had to—“

“Misaki,” Fushimi sighed, cutting off the other boy’s ramblings to nowhere. “I’m guessing you’re here to check up on me every few hours?” he surmised, given his current state. Despite being momentarily disoriented upon first waking up, he had a fairly firm grasp on the situation.

Misaki just nods in confirmation and Fushimi notices how tense the other one seems. Usually Yata was a lot more… loose. More rambunctious and emotional was a way to word it. At the moment, however, Misaki looked on edge and worn out.

“How long have you been here?” Fushimi questioned, his brows furrowing.

It seemed to be the middle of the night and Misaki looked like he hadn’t slept in hours. His hair was a matted mess without the typical beanie. There were the beginnings of dark circles forming under Misaki’s tired red eyes.

“Since they brought you in,” Misaki admits, rubbing the back of his neck and finally settling into the chair positioned at the side of the bed.

“Which is how long?” He pressed irritably. He had to squint slightly to keep Misaki in focus without his glasses.

The other boy threw up his hands with a huff, shrugging his shoulders. “I don’t know, like, ten hours?”

There it is again. The pang. Like someone actually tugged at his heart strings. He’s not even sure how to respond. He can’t tell if he’s touched or if he feels guilty. But when he focuses on the bittersweet pain in his chest he thinks it might be a mixture of both.

“I found out a little while after they brought you in and came right over. They wouldn’t let me see you for the first few hours, but eventually they let me come in after I promised to wake you up and do your check up’s,” Misaki was explaining, “So I guess we might as well get this outta the way.”

Fushimi just nods silently, still trying to wade through his own thoughts mingled with the painkillers. He’s already starting to feel tired again and wants nothing more than to go back to sleep.

“What is your name?” Misaki asks, checking his list of questions scribbled on a scrap of paper.

“Saruhiko Fushimi,” he sighs out, readjusting his position and wincing as his head throbs in protest.

Misaki is immediately out of his chair and lending him a hand adjusting his pillow. Fushimi’s too weak and tired to try and bat him away, so he just submits and let’s Misaki help. Offering a weak 'tsk' in response.

“Where are you?” Misaki resumes after settling back onto the edge of his seat.

Fushimi has to squint and take a quick glance around but he’s already pretty sure he’s in the SEPTAR 4 infirmary. He answers as such and Misaki gives an approving nod.

“Do you remember what happened?”

Fushimi attempts to clear his throat, which was apparently a signal to Misaki because a moment later he was presented was a plastic cup with a straw in it.

“Here, have some water,” Misaki says, pressing the cool cup into his hand.

“Thanks…” Fushimi takes a hesitant sip, and then proceeds to drain half the cups contents. He successfully clears his throat this time before answering the last question. “I got ambushed by a couple strains in an alley way during patrol.”

“How did that happen?” Misaki asks, his expression, for _once_  in his life time, giving nothing away.

Fushimi is pretty sure this isn’t one of the questions on his list. He hesitates in answering because there’s no good way to explain it. He can’t tell Misaki he was distracted by thoughts of him and let his guard down. If he lied and told Misaki they just got the upper hand there was no way he would actually believe him. So he settled for something in the middle.

“I got distracted. Wasn’t paying attention.”

Misaki’s golden eyes search his for a long time. Fushimi is compelled to look away but he feels it might make him appear guilty, so he steels himself and endures the staring contest until Misaki huffs and looks away.

“I was worried, y’know,” Misaki grumbles, frowning at the monitor with his vitals. His voice dropping into a tired and serious tone.

Fushimi really wishes that the red head would stop playing his heartstrings. He’s not sure how much more of his ache he can take. Seeing the genuine hurt and concern on Misaki’s face sends another wave of equal pleasure and guilt.

“M’sorry,” He responds, his eye lids feeling very heavy again.

Misaki glances in his direction and sighs, scooting the chair closer.

“Just go back to sleep. I’ll see you in a bit.”

The knowledge the Misaki would be there again when he woke up made it easier to let go and slip back into sleep.

Sure enough Misaki shakes him awake again a couple hours later. This repeats for the rest of the night. Each time he wakes up he feels a wave of unfamiliar emotions, and then they go through the questions. And every time he’s about to fall asleep again Misaki assures him that he’ll be seeing him in a bit.

Sometime in the morning he’s pulled from sleep by someone else, one of the nurses he presumes. At first he’s confused and a little disappointed by the young woman’s face swimming into view until he looks down to identify the warm weight settled on his thighs and is greeted with the sight of Misaki sleeping.

After his quick check up with the nurse he just watches Misaki sleep. He can tell by the faint circles under his eyes that Miskai had probably been up all night fretting over him. Fushimi takes the opportunity to address the emotions that had been slamming into him all night, every time Miskai had woken him up.

He’d been so overwhelmed the first time he actually couldn’t breathe. He had thought at first it might have just been the sudden awakening, or something to do with the injury. But now that he thought about it, the reoccurring pang in his chest, he realized it was because of Misaki.

Misaki had come for him. And that knowledge hit him again like a ton of bricks, filling his chest with a warm yet slightly painful wave of emotion. He was glad Misaki was still passed out and didn’t notice the way Fushimi lifted his hand, hovering over the red heads mussed hair before finally pulling back and clutching his own chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Going for Monday updates so keep a look out for those


	4. Beating Like A Hammer

They let Fushimi go the next day but warned him that he was to take it easy for a week. Which meant absolutely no using the stove or going to any loud environments. It also meant no prolonged use of technology due to the strain on his eyes. These things put together basically equated to him being on house arrest for a week of recovery.

A coworker had escorted him home that evening. Misaki had left him in the infirmary sometime in the afternoon for work but promised to come and bring him something to eat for dinner.

Fushimi let out a long tired sigh as he entered the familiar apartment. Everything was clean and orderly as he had left it. He toed off his shoes and shrugged off his coat, hanging the article in the small closet adjacent to the door.

First things first he changed into his own clothing. They had lent him a T-shirt and pair of gym shorts that smelt like they’d been sitting in the lost and found for quite awhile. His uniform had been sent in for some cleaning to remove all the blood.

Once settled into a pair of soft black sweats and a blue V-neck he wandered into the living room. This room was the most open in the apartment. A black loveseat sat facing the large TV hanging on the wall over a cabinet full of his consoles and games, all ordered alphabetically of course. A sleek glass coffee table sat on a creamy area rug in between the sofa and the television set. There was a matching black armchair to the left of the sofa angled to face the television.

If Misaki was really coming it should be soon. It was nearing seven O’clock and already Fushimi felt drained. He finished the thought just as he had settled into the corner of his loveseat, hugging his knees to use them as a pillow. Only a short time later there was a knock at his door.

Fushimi slowly ambled through the living room and back to the door, pulling it open to be greeted by Misaki’s cheerful face. He let out a soft tsk and stepped aside to let the shorter boy in.

“I know, I’m a bit late. But I brought food as promised.” Misaki stepped out of his shoes and headed for the alley kitchen across from the entrance and deposited his bag of take out on the counter. He then proceeded to search for the plates and Fushimi dully realized this was one of the few times Misaki had actually been over to his place.

“Across from the sink, top cupboard,” Fushimi instructed after watching Misaki search without any luck.

“Why didn’t you say something sooner,” Misaki huffed, turning around opening the cupboard as directed and pulling down two blue plates. “Utensils?”

Fushimi quietly pointed to a drawer next to the sink where Misaki retrieved two forks.

“I can serve myself,” Fushimi grouched halfheartedly as Misaki started dishing out the food.

“Why don’t you go put on a movie? I’ll bring the plates and drinks out for you,” Misaki responded, giving Fushimi a light push.

He figured it be more trouble if he tried to argue with Misaki so he let out an annoyed ‘tsk’ and retreated back to the living room where he settled back into his corner of the couch before flicking on Netflix. After scrolling for a while he settled on “The Other Guys".

It seemed like the perfect medium for them. It had the action and fighting they both enjoyed. Comedy and entertainment at a level that was perfect for Misaki and didn't seem too outrageous to Fushimi. He was momentarily tempted to put on Poltergeist to mess with Misaki, but he decided the screaming would probably be detrimental to his concussion. Also, the fact that he wasn’t going to be a complete dick while Misaki was taking care of him. 

Taking care of him.

The thought made Fushimi feel little flutters in his chest.

Misaki entered the living room a minute later carrying two plates with two cans of coke tucked under his arms. After awkwardly placing everything on the coffee table he flopped down on the couch next to Fushimi.

“Let’s eat!” He grinned and picked up his own plate, shovelling the first bite into his mouth.

Fushimi felt a small smile tugging at his lips before he pressed play on the movie and pulled his own plate towards him and started eating. He quickly realized Misaki had already made sure his plate was vegetable free, and he felt a surge of affection for the smaller boy.

Once Fushimi had finished his meal he set the empty plate back on the table and snuggled back into the couch, stretching his legs out in front and under the table. As Misaki finished his plate he did the same, their feet bumping together under the table.

Fushimi glanced at Misaki through his peripherals to try and gauge his reaction, but Misaki seemed completely absorbed in the movie. Fushimi hesitantly relaxed his feet and Misaki’s feet continued to rest on top of his. And so they stayed that way for the rest of the movie sharing the warmth of their feet pressed together.

As the credits started to roll Misaki pulled away and grabbed the plates, waving Fushimi off as he attempted to help.

“I got it,” Misaki insisted, “Just wait here.”

It wasn’t like Fushimi really had anywhere else to go. He sat up slightly and crossed his arms, his foot tapping impatiently as he waited. He practically jumped when he felt Misaki’s hands rest on his shoulders from behind the couch.

“Wha--” Fushimi started to protest.

“You’re tense,” Misaki interrupted, pressing his fingers into the tight muscles between Fushimi’s shoulders.

Fushimi let out a sigh as Misaki slowly rubbed circles with his thumbs, kneading out the tense muscles in his shoulders. After a moment he relented leaning his head forward and uncrossing his arms to give Misaki full access.

The sensation was pleasing in more ways then one. His entire body felt like it was tingling as Misaki’s hot touch worked out his kinks. The stress of the past few days melting under his deft fingertips. He let his eyes fall shut and enjoyed the treatment. Fushimi hadn’t realized he had been making a sound until Misaki chuckled, his breath hot against the back of Fushimi’s neck.

“You almost sound like you’re purring,” Misaki mused close to his ear, sending a tingle down his spine.

Fushimi couldn’t find anything to say to that and huffed softly. Misaki’s hands were suddenly gone, leaving him feeling slightly disappointed. He opened his eyes and glanced up to find Misaki standing in front of him avoiding eye contact, a flush across his cheeks.

“Lay down,” he muttered, wringing his hands together.

“What?” Fushimi asked dumbly, taken by Misaki’s nervousness.

“I said…” Misaki’s eyes flicked over to meet Fushimi’s confused stare and he hesitated before blurting out, “Lay down,” again.

Fushimi clued in, but still hesitated to do as directed. As much as he would appreciate and love a massage from Misaki he wasn’t sure he could handle that much intimacy. Especially so soon after he had decided there was no chance anything would ever happen between them.

But as with most things pleasure over-weighed his guilt, and he lay down across the love seat on his stomach, folding his arms on the armrest and using them as a pillow.

A moment later the couch shifted as Misaki climbed on behind him and straddled his lower legs and began massaging his mid to lower back. He continued with the same treatment he had given his shoulders. Kneading soft circles into his tense muscles until they unwound under his hot touch.

Just as Fushimi adjusted to the feeling of Misaki’s warm hands running along his back and sides, thinking he could handle this, Misaki slipped his hands up under the bottom of his shirt.

Fushimi flinched as Misaki’s warm skin made contact with his bare back as though he’d be burned. He could feel Misaki’s fingers hesitate before slowly pressing back down and rubbing soft circles on either side of his spine.

At this moment he was very grateful to be laying on his stomach. There was an undeniable heat pooling in his abdomen. A pleasurable buzzing throughout his body. Because Misaki’s hands were on his skin, undoing him little by little.

Fushimi was startled to awake by himself on the love seat. He hadn’t remembered falling asleep in the first place. He had felt pretty tired before Misaki had shown up. That and the somewhat relaxing massage must have been enough for him to drift off.

Fushimi slowly sat up and rubbed his eyes, suddenly aware that he was no longer wearing his glasses. After squinting in the dim light from the window he located them on the coffee table next to a slip of paper. He picked up both items and adorned the glasses before deciphering the text.

_You feel asleep and I didn’t wanna wake you up so I just let myself out._

_I’ll bring you more food after work tomorrow._

_\- Misaki_

He was touched that Misaki had cared enough to remove his glasses and let him sleep. It reminded him of when they were kids. They used to be so close. Always taking care of each other. The thought brought back a lot of memories and emotions. And a lot of pain.

Because they weren’t like that anymore. Fushimi was hyper aware of that fact. This was temporary. As soon as he recovered they’d go back to being tentative friends until he found another way to ruin things. Until he revealed a little too much about how he really felt. That would scare Misaki off for sure.

Fushimi scowled at the note and crumpled it in his hand. It was only five o’clock in the morning but he opened his PDA and sent a quick message anyway.

_Don’t bother coming._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First week of Uni this week so warning: next chapter may be a bit late.
> 
> Thanks for reading :)


	5. Hard To Be Soft

Fushimi took his painkillers and went back to sleep after that and didn’t wake up until the late afternoon. He shambled into the kitchen with a yawn and set about making himself a cup of coffee. He had really banked on spending most of his time sleeping seeing as he couldn’t do much else.

Once he settled down at the dining table with his coffee he checked his PDA and found five unread messages from Misaki.

‘M: Are you sure? - 7:02am’

‘M: Saru? – 7:36am’

‘M: Hey, is everything okay? – 11:58am’

‘M: Just message me back when you get these – 12:15pm’

‘M: So at least I know you’re alive – 12:16pm’

            He proceeded to not respond to those messages. At this point he figured it was better for him to avoid Misaki altogether until he could get a handle on his feelings. He felt guilty every time he thought about how much he loved the feeling of Misaki’s fingers sliding down his sides.

            He imagines what it would be like if he had stayed awake. If Misaki’s hands had delved lower. If he had rolled over to face him. What would he look like? When Misaki was focused he tended to chew his bottom lip. Fushimi imagined it would like quite alluring in that context.

            Fushimi let out a long sigh, his finger tips brushing over his thigh. The sensation tingled and added to the warmth pooling in his gut. It was like a slow burn throughout his body. All it took was the thought of Misaki’s face…

            Fushimi was struck with the need to do something. But when he shifted his hand to do so he was struck with an unsure sense of guilt. He was thinking about Misaki in a much more intimate way then he had before. This was undiscovered territory. Was it really okay to explore further?

            After a long debate Fushimi decided it wasn’t a road he was ready to go down and hopped into the shower instead. The cool shower did wonders to calm him down. He was too busy freezing to think about Misaki anymore, or anything else for that matter. He decided to throw on the same sweats and t-shirt he had been wearing last night just for the sake of comfort.

As he shuffled out of the bathroom and towards his room to pass out again there was a knock at the front door. Fushimi hesitated in the hallway and waited, but no second knock came. He slowly approached the door and peaked through the peep hole to find nothing. Upon opening the door, he found a bag of take-out sitting in front of the door.

_Thank Me Later_

_-Misaki_

            Fushimi checked the hall but there was no sign of the red headed boy. He picked up the bag and brought it back inside with him. Truthfully, he was starving. He had slept for most of the day but he hadn’t actually had anything to eat. When he opened the bag he found Tupperware containers inside.

Misaki hadn’t ordered take out, he had actually delivered him home made food. Now Fushimi felt like the worst piece of shit in the world.

‘F: Thank you – 5:14 pm’

Fushimi fiddled with his phone as he waited for Misaki to reply to his message. The longer he waited the guiltier he felt about leaving Misaki hanging all day with no reply.

‘M: So you _are_ alive – 5:17 pm’

Fushimi let out the breath he hadn’t know he had been holding. That had been the longest three minutes of his life.

‘F: Sorry. I’ve been sleeping. - 5:17 pm’

‘M: All day? - 5:17 pm’

‘F: Mhm. Did you want to eat this with me? - 5:18 pm’

‘M: Sure. I’ll be up in a second. – 5:18 pm’

 

Misaki wasn’t kidding. He must have still been in the building when Fushimi had sent him the first text. Fushimi had only just finished dishing out some food when Misaki knocked at the door.

“Hey,” Misaki greeted shyly, toeing out of his shoes and stepping into the apartment.

“You’re right on time,” Fushimi replied, cracking a small smile as he returned to the kitchen to grab the food.

“So… are we good?” Misaki asked, getting straight to the point as he followed Fushimi into the kitchen.

“Why wouldn’t we be?” Fushimi asked, handing Misaki his plate and heading into the living room. He plopped down on the couch and easily settled into his spot.

Misaki seemed hesitant to do the same. He walked into the living room but hovered at the arm of the sofa, his brows furrowing in thought. Fushimi stared at him expectantly until finally he couldn’t stand he silence and ‘tsk-ed’ loudly.

“What is it, Misaki?” he asked, starting to feel uncomfortable under the heavy silence. He began to worry that he might have actually fucked up here. Misaki had seemed fine when he walked in, but maybe that had just been a front.

“I was just – yesterday – are you sure it was okay?”

“Yesterday? Was what okay?” Now it was Fushimi’s turn to furrow his brows in confusion, trying to decipher the question. He couldn’t think of anything that happened yesterday that would have been considered _not_ okay.

“I mean… t-the… y’know!” Misaki sputtered, shifting nervously. His face was rapidly heating up.

Misaki really was adorable when he was flustered like that. He was practically hugging his plate to his chest. His face was red all the way to his ears. His eyes were wide and pleading.

“The… massage?” Fushimi finally clued in.

Misaki looked slightly relieved now that he didn’t have to say the words himself, “Y-yeah,” he confirmed.

Fushimi let out an abrupt laugh of disbelief, which only caused Misaki to rear up in defense.

“W-what? Why are you laughing?!”

“Only a virgin like you would be too shy to say something like that,” Fushimi mused, a smirk settling onto his lips.

“S-shut up! Stupid mokey!” Misaki grouched back, finally settling onto the couch next to Fushimi with a huff.

“It was okay,” Fushimi said after a moment.

He wanted to add: _It was more than okay_.

“It was?” Misaki questioned, and Fushimi could just picture his hopeful face.

“Yeah, I… I liked it.” Fushimi risked a glance in Misaki’s direction and was met with the most beautiful sight. Misaki had the biggest, goofiest grin on his face. He was absolutely beaming with pride at those words.

“Really? I was worried it was uncomfortable or weird or something, and that’s why you were ignoring me. I’m glad you liked it.”

Fushimi was lost for words. What could he say that expressed his thoughts and feelings appropriately? Misaki was like the burning sun warming his entire body on a cool day. He was like a glass of water in the desert. He was a breath of air in a sea of turmoil. Fushimi could feel his heart pounding in every fiber of his being.

“I…” _I love you, you idiot._

“Hmm? Are you okay? Saru? Helloooo~”

Fushimi quickly snapped out of his daze, pulling back into his corner and drawing his plate into his lap, “Sorry, let’s eat.”

“Thanks for the food!”  
            “I should be the one thanking you, stupid,” Fushimi tsk’d, shaking his head and busying himself with scooping food into his mouth.

After eating they decided to settle in and watch another movie. This time they watched “Interstellar” based on Fushimi’s recommendation. About half way through the movie Fushimi started to drift off and at some point he must have fallen asleep because when he came back to his senses the credits were rolling.

Fushimi had ended up on his turning a bit to the right and curling up against the side of the couch. There was an undeniable warm and heavy weight pressed against his back, an arm loosely wrapped around his stomach. Fushimi could feel the excited flip in his stomach as he realized Misaki was using him as a pillow.

It was a bit hot and uncomfortable to be sleeping like this, he thought, but it was hardly a deal breaker for him. Fushimi smiled softly as he rested his head back against the couch and slowly slipped back into a peaceful sleep with Misaki at his back, just like old times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this is so late I'm sorry! ^^'  
> Updates will now be every two weeks now, I have a lot more work than I originally thought this year. Hope you still bare with me!


	6. Tough To Be Tender

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A nice day out around town

The next couple days went by in similar fashion. Fushimi would wake up, eat, shower, and mess around for the afternoon until Misaki came around for dinner. Misaki came every night with a different variety of take out and they’d sit down and eat. Some nights they only ate before Misaki had to leave, other nights they spent a few hours playing portal together.

Fushimi looked forward to seeing Misaki each night. That brief period was the best part of his gloomy and boring days. It didn’t matter that he saw Misaki every day; he could never get tired of that bright smile.

Today Fushimi was bubbling with a mixture of excitement and anticipation. Misaki had scheduled the Saturday off so they could go out around the town now that Fushimi had ‘rested up’. Fushimi was eager to get out of the house and spend even more time with his boy.

Around one in the afternoon Misaki arrived at his door. He was wearing his usual casual clothing, including the beanie despite it being hot outside. Fushimi had actually gotten dressed in something other than sweatpants for the occasion. He instead wore a pair of nice blue jeans and a plain black V-neck.

“Are you ready to go?” Misaki asked.

“Mhmm, ready if you are.” Fushimi replied as he finished slipping on his shoes.

The two boys quickly fell into a familiar rhythm as they walked the streets. Fushimi was loving the warm breeze and sunlight on his skin. The fresh air was revitalizing. Misaki by his side matching his every step filled him with a warm sense of joy.

“So, where are you taking me?” Fushimi questioned after a couple minutes of walking in silence. Misaki seemed startled out of his thoughts, he flinched before meeting Fushimi’s gaze with a grin.

“Only the best burger joint in town,” Misaki replied in his usual upbeat tone.

The best burger joint could only mean one place. It was a small shop down a side alley that Misaki and Fushimi had frequently visited when they were younger. It was pretty quiet and out of the way but they made the best burgers Fushimi had ever eaten.

“I’m impressed,” Fushimi smirked, “You actually picked somewhere I like.”

Misaki scoffed and attempted to shoulder check Fushimi. Or at least that’s what it seemed like, really it was more of a brush of Misaki’s shoulder on his upper arm. It was too gentle to really push him off balance, but it had Fushimi stumbling anyway.

Misaki let out a burst of laughter as Fushimi quickly recovered from tripping over air. He ‘tsk’ed’ in Misaki’s direction and shoved his hands in his pockets before strutting ahead a bit faster.

“Hey! Wait up!” Misaki called, jogging to fall in step beside Fushimi once again.

“You’re so...” Misaki shook his head, letting the sentence hang in the air.

“So what?”

“Eh?! Oh, uh, nothing. Forget it,” Misaki replied, waving it off.

Fushimi rolled his eyes with another ‘tsk’. Misaki awkwardly chuckled while rubbing the back of his neck. His cheeks were noticeably redder than they had been a moment ago. Fushimi was even more curious about what he was planning to say now.

He was so what? What would make Misaki too embarrassed to say it out loud?

“Oh, we’re here,” Misaki pointed out rather loudly, grabbing Fushimi’s hand and quickly pulling him into the alley way. Fushimi instantly felt the spark that travelled from his hand straight to his chest.

Usually Fushimi would snatch his hand back in an instant, like he was afraid of Misaki’s warm touch searing him. Instead Fushimi let his cool fingers curl around Misaki’s hand for a brief moment. A moment where time seemed to stop for just a second. A second where their hands were the most important and most fleeting connection ever made.

Fushimi loosened his fingers and let his hand slip out of Misaki’s as they reached the entrance to the shop. Misaki pulled open the door with his now free hand and let himself in, Fushimi following close behind.

The two boys seated themselves at their old table and fell into another strange yet familiar routine. They ordered their food, Fushimi going for a meat lovers delight, and Misaki picking a more regular burger.

It was late in the afternoon so the joint wasn’t very crowded. It was a nice dull hum of people and food cooking in the background. While they waited for their food the two started random small talk.

“How has work been?” Fushimi asked, idly tapping his fingers on the tabletop.

“Eh, it’s work,” Misaki replied flippantly, “But it’s better than nothing.”

“You do have a lot of habits to fund,” Fushimi teased lightly, “You buy at least two new game a month.”

“They’re good games!”

“Well as long as you make enough to cover everything then you’re fine.”

“You’re fine,” Misaki grumbled in retort.

Fushimi scoffed, letting out a small chuckle, “Was that supposed to be and insult? What are you, like five?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Misaki huffed in reply.

After that they fell back into a comfortable rhythm until their food arrived. And when it arrived they scarfed down the meal. Fushimi savoured every fatty bite of beef and bacon. It was good to eat a little junk food every once in awhile. They spent quite a bit of time in the restaurant eating and talking about whatever came to mind. Next thing they knew it was almost dinner time.

“Wanna do some window shopping before we head back?” Misaki suggested, “We got a couple hours of sunlight still.”

“I don’t see why not,” Fushimi shrugged. He didn’t really like window shopping. It was pointless if you weren’t going to buy anything. But he didn’t mind spending more time out of the house with Misaki.

The two of them walked up and down the street browsing the stores on the strip. Misaki pulled them into a couple of game stores to stare at more games Fushimi had never heard of. Fortunately for Misaki’s wallet, Fushimi dragged him out each time before he could buy anything.

They ended up walking towards the pier after the stores all closed and the sun started to set. Misaki had found a vending machine and bought them both a bottle of coke. So, with the coke in hand, they wandered over to a bench looking out over the water.

They were so close. Fushimi could feel the heat from Misaki’s leg seeping into him where their thighs just barely touched. They were connected at thigh, hip, and shoulders. They sat like that in silence. Just slowly drinking their coke and watching the sun dip into the sea.

When the sun was almost completely swallowed by the sea, and everything was coated in warm red rays, Fushimi glanced over to see Misaki. His golden eyes were fixed on the horizon. They reflected the dying light of the sun. His hair seemed to be an even brighter shade of red.

Misaki blinked once, and then turned his head. Their eyes locked but neither of them said anything. They just stared. Fushimi was drinking in every gorgeous golden detail of Misaki’s face. His bright eyes, his glowing hair, his red cheeks. Even his lips were basked in the orange of the dying sun.

Fushimi didn’t know how long he stared. If it was only a second or an eternity. Misaki hadn’t moved anything but his eyes, following Fushimi’s movements. Somehow Misaki seemed much closer than he had been a second ago. His leg felt more firmly pressed against Fushimi’s own.

“Saru…” It wasn’t until Misaki spoke that he realized he had been leaning in. Misaki’s face was red with blush, his eyes half closed and searching Fushimi’s face. Fushimi wanted to kiss him. He wanted to close that gap he’d left between them, both physically and otherwise.

But he couldn’t bring himself to do it, no matter how inviting Misaki looked.

“You have something on your face,” Fushimi lied as smoothly as possible. He slowly and deliberately lifted his hand and brought it up to cup the side of Misaki’s face. The other boy’s cheek was hot under his touch. Fushimi hesitated for a second, again compelled to move in for the kiss. Instead he swiped his thumb from the corner of Misaki’s mouth across his cheek.

Then he detached himself as calmly as possible and went back to watch the sun disappear below the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's pretend this isn't so late...   
> ;n;


	7. If You're Still Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Arrived 2 years late with Starbucks*

As the weekend came to an end so did Fushimi’s brief vacation. He was itching to get back to work. On Monday morning, he woke up well before noon and dressed in his uniform. He spent actual time taming his bed head before leaving the house.

The office was a welcome change from lounging at home every day for the past week. The dull background chatter was only a mild irritant and an even bigger relief. The downside to missing so much work was the pile of contracts and reports he had missed. Said documents where piled high on his desk for review.

Fushimi worked diligently for the rest of the week to get caught up on the recent activity in the city since his incident. On top of reviewing, filing, and filling out paper work he had to undergo concentration testing to re-approve him for field work. Overall it was a grueling week and he barely had time to eat and sleep on top of it all. By the time the weekend rolled around again Fushimi was exhausted. He much preferred working, but it was a tiring job.

On Friday Fushimi went to sleep early and caught a few extra hours of sleep. He had been so busy all week that he hadn’t been able to see Misaki or think about the week they had spent together. Now that he finally had a day to himself he found that Misaki was all he could think about. Without even thinking about it he reached out to Misaki on his own.

‘F: Hey. Are you free today? – 12:15 pm’

With the message sent all that was left was to wait and ponder. He thought about their outing last weekend. He thought about the ease and familiarity of visiting old places with the other boy. He thought about Misaki’s laugh. He thought a lot about Misaki’s eyes. As he continued to think he began to realize a very simple thing.  _He missed Misaki_.

Now there was a dilemma stirring in Fushimi’s mind. He didn’t want to be with Misaki some of the time; He wanted to be with Misaki all the time. He didn’t just want fading moments and touches between them. He always wanted more. He wanted to be  _with_  Misaki, in every sense he could think of.

‘M: You can come over after six – 12:20 pm’

Fushimi felt a wave of joy at the response. He found himself smiling at the text, genuinely happy just to spend more time with Misaki. He briefly thought about the day on the pier again; How close they had gotten without him even thinking about it. He wondered if there might be more of those moments ahead of him.

_Some Hours Later…_

Fushimi knocked on Misaki’s door, his foot tapping as he waited for the boy to answer. He impatiently checked his phone after a few moments had passed. He had arrived just after six thirty, not wanting to seem too desperate. He raised he hand to knock again when the door swung open.

“Sorry!” Misaki huffed, his hair dripping wet. He had clearly just hopped out of the shower and hastily thrown on a house coat to answer the door.

“Why did you get in the shower if you knew I was coming?” Fushimi asked, attempting to keep as straight a face as possible.

“Well you never actually said when you would be stopping by,” Misaki flared, pouting angrily.

“You said after six,” Fushimi tsk’d, crossing his arms. “Are you going to let me in?”

Misaki replied with a huff, leaving the door open as he shuffled away. Fushimi let himself inside, quietly slipping out of his shoes as Misaki retreated to his room. Once the other boy had closed the door Fushimi let his mask crack just a bit. He had analysed every bit of Misaki. They way his wet hair framed his face, how his pale skin had been flushed from the heat of the shower, how the housecoat exposed his collar bones.

“What are you doing?”

Fushimi jolted, looking up to see Misaki had returned. He had thrown on a pair of pajama pants and what looks like and old band tee. He was standing outside of his room, rubbing his hair down with the towel.

“What do you mean?” Fushimi replied, putting the casual tone back on.

“Well you’re just standing there with the door open, stupid monkey.”

Indeed, he was. Fushimi had taken off his shoes but had forgotten to close the door behind him. He had been too distracted to even move. With an uncharacteristic display of embarrassment, Fushimi turned around and closed the door.

“Got distracted. Text from work,” he lied smoothly, finding his way past Misaki and into the living room.

Misaki looked doubtful, but thankfully shrugged it off. He draped the towel over his shoulders and disappeared into the kitchen. As Fushimi settled into the couch Misaki returned with two beers and a bottle opener.

“I couldn’t remember if you can drink yet or not, so I brought two anyway,” Misaki explained, plopping down onto the other side of the couch.

“I haven’t taken any pain killers in a while, so it should be fine.”

Misaki nodded, opening the first bottle and passing it to him. Fushimi settled into the familiar corner of the worn sofa and sipped. After a moment Misaki did the same.

_A few beers and a few reruns later…_

Misaki had made himself more than comfortable sprawling out on the sofa. His feet were resting in Fushimi’s lap as they continued to talk about their old antics. A lull in the conversation got Fushimi thinking.

“I wonder how I got by this week, I only saw you once,” Fushimi sighed lazily.

“W-what?”

Fushimi froze, his hand tightening around the neck of the bottle he was holding. He hadn’t realized he has spoken out loud until Misaki had responded. Misaki looked confused, but there was also something else hiding behind the surface that Fushimi couldn’t quite figure out.

A part of him wanted to just brush off the comment, pretend like it was nothing. That way he could just continue dancing around the subject. He could keep pushing off the feelings that were threatening to overflow. Everything he really wanted to admit to Misaki was brimming, rising to the tip of his tongue.

 “I feel like I can breathe easier when you’re around. And this whole week I’ve been drowning without you,” Fushimi confessed, the words finally pouring out. Even if he lost Misaki again, he couldn’t help but do something. It had just started with a little bit: A rekindling of friendship, soft touches, close encounters. But now he wanted more, and he couldn’t hold back any longer.

 Misaki hadn’t said anything, he hadn’t even moved. He just continued to stare at Fushimi with a stunned expression. His cheeks were flushed, either from the alcohol or embarrassment, Fushimi couldn’t tell.

“Idiot, of course you still wouldn’t get it when I practically spelled it out for you,” Fushimi clucked, feeling his heart sink.

“I…” Misaki trailed off, the look of utter shock still painting his features. Fushimi adverted his gaze, focusing it on the wall

“Just forget— “

“I thought I was the only one.” Fushimi’s head snapped back, causing a dull throb that he ignored. Misaki was staring at the roof thoughtfully. “I-I thought I was the only one w-who felt that way…” He mumbled, a hot flush spreading across his cheeks.

Fushimi was, simply, stunned. The iron grasp that had clutched his heart loosened. He felt a swell of hope rising, fluttering in his chest. Misaki finally lowered his gaze, his golden eyes hesitantly meeting Fushimi’s blue ones.

“Saru…?”

“You idiot,” he whispered fondly, “Of course you weren’t the only one.”

“Stupid monkey,” Misaki grouched in return, but he sat up, shifting a bit closer, “You should have said something sooner.”

Misaki had to tilt his head up to meet Fushimi’s gaze now that they were sitting only inches apart. Fushimi’s eyes were instantly drawn down to his shy smile. He looked exactly like he did the day on the pier. His cheeks were red with blush, his eyes expectant and searching. Fushimi realized he had been waiting for him to kiss him all this time.

Fushimi softly tsk’ed, bringing a hand up to lightly cup the side of Misaki’s face. “If you wanted me to kiss you,  _you_ should have said something sooner.”

If it was even possible to turn a darker shade of red, Misaki did. Fushimi smiled softly before tilting his head down, hesitating just before their lips could touch. Because he wanted to savour this moment, and the next moment right after it. The first time he kissed Misaki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm a trash baby and I know it.
> 
> If you still read this after 2 years, bless your soul.

**Author's Note:**

> Hnng, I've been holding on to this for a while. Maybe posting it will motivate me to finish it.


End file.
